The Paradox of Relationships

By

Sadaf Fayyaz

Someone asked me if it was true that people in relationships are happier than those who are single or without relationships. The issue is quite of a debatable kind and can’t be answered truly. Over one week, I have been asking different people, belonging to different professions of life. I asked married, single, divorcees, engaged, and newly married people. The results came out to be mixed kind. I cannot state “that people in relationships are happier” or “People without relationships are happier” so easily. Some data analysis and understanding of facts comes first.

What I observed from my study, was that people with relationships, that gave them security and understanding, are happy ones. So it’s a question of a stable relationship now. People with immature relationships are happy in the beginning and extremely sad in the end. Most psychologists and physiologists agree that people in relationships are happier than those without them. People with bad or immature relationships are unhappy. I am simply omitting the “Platonic Relationships” here, since they are rare these days.

But the reason is why people in relationships are happier. Definitely they can share something, someone takes care of them, and someone supports them. Humans are social animals. I have asked and seen so many friends of mine, who were happy when the relationship started. Now, after some years of marriage, they are sick and unhappy. One girl was happily involved with her cousin. The families didn’t support her relationship and got her married to an outsider man. She was happy in the start but now is extremely unhappy. Another girl got happily engaged and married to a boy of her own choice, and with parents’ permission too. It is an example of love cum arranged marriage. She is childless now after six years of marriage and is very unhappy now. Doctors have told her that her husband has some problem. A boy aged 32 has started hating women now. His first engagement was broken by the girl’s family. Second time he got engaged, but the girl was interested in someone else. She broke her engagement with him. The boy now hates relationships and doesn’t want to talk about them now. It is natural.

Another girl got engaged to a boy of her choice, got married and now has a daughter. Her husband is unemployed and she earns for the whole family. She was happy when her relationship started but now a bit sad, since she wants her husband to earn now.

A girl got engaged to the boy of her choice, got married, went abroad and is happily married now. She is really very happy about her relationship. Another girl got engaged, got married and is now settled abroad. She is very happy as well. A friend of mine, who got engaged, got married happily and now living happily with her husband.

Another boy, who went into a relationship with a young girl, was very happy. In the end, the girl asked him not to contact him or talk to him. He is an extremely unhappy person now.

A woman washing dishes is unhappy with her drug addicted husband. He doesn’t bother to earn.

Another boy got married to a girl of his mother’s choice. He was interested in a class fellow. After some years of his marriage, his wife took her children and went away from him. He is now unhappy and quiet. He started taking drugs for solace and relaxation. He never got adjusted with his wife.

A girl shared that anyone who's ever been in one knows that it adds no value to life. She says that all the expectations & conditions are daunting. There's only one kind of love: that's UNCONDITIONAL. Relationships are just a bunch of rules that hold you down. They're hard work! She is against relationships.

People in relationships live longer. Marriage apparently adds around seven years to the life of a man and four to the life of a woman. Figures for those who live together are similar.

If we are secure and content in ourselves we can approach life much more confidently and happily. We can be happier and healthier.

People appear to feel better about themselves and their lives when they move into a more committed relationship. People in committed or stable relationships are happier, only if the relationships bring the results they were expecting from it. Interviewing some singles, they stated that they enjoyed their freedom and liberty more. Also relationships bring a lot of pain if they are broken, so they don’t want to go for them. A girl was a single independent teacher, told me that she believed in woman liberty and wanted to live an independent life. A married friend of mine at times tells me,

“How lucky single people are. They have no responsibility, no answering to anyone. They just enjoy their golden period of single life.”

Upon asking why she said this, she told me that she was sick of her mother in law. Her behavior was good till her marriage but now she is like a very bothersome lady for her. Her mother in law used to get her beaten by her husband.

One research scholar answers it that people even when controlling for relationship happiness, getting married is associated with higher self-esteem, greater life pleasure, more happiness and less distress, and less depression whereas people who are not in stable or into committed relationships tend to show lower self-esteem, less life satisfaction, less happiness, more distress and more depression.

Some lonely kind people are said to have been associated with drug intake and tranquilizers. When we see film world, relationships have a different meaning there. So many couples have been into relationships, broken and split. There are thousands of examples. Things and relationships change very quickly in this industry. There are some who say that marriage was the biggest mistake of their life. Some live happily with their families after marriage.

Upon asking a renowned TV model and anchor, she told me,

“It depends on everyone and varies from person to person. If one gets into a relationship, he or she must be fully committed and loyal with it. If a person is single, he or she is quite independent. But everyone needs a partner. And it’s all natural. But a good relationship is important to give you security and a sense of care.”

A psychologist shared her views, “

“Men need to be in a relationship more than a woman. And men like to have physical relations in form of marriage or elsewhere, woman percentage is very low in this aspect, but at certain age she wants to get settled. No matter how successful a woman might get in her life, the real sense of security is experienced by her after getting married to a man, who is physically as well as mentally strong. Women want to get married to feel secure with their husbands and it definitely doesn't exhibit their inferiority. So it is necessary both for man & woman to get into more honest love & trust relation, and be settled, as its psychological & physical need too. Physical need is very natural. If not fulfilled, creates psychological problems, like agitation, anger, aggression, depression. So being married or engaged is better than being single that have physical relation or living without relations.”

In the end, I can generalize that in a society like ours, it is very hard for single people to live and promote themselves specially women. Security and safety needs are also associated with committed and secure relationships in our society. However, the immature relationships (crushes) or even one sided relationship can prove destructive for a person. Also, relationships that don’t bring the desired outcomes don’t prove much beneficial. When relationships do not bring fruitful or desired results, individuals start becoming unhappy. People in secure and happy relationships show a much higher level of well being than those in unhappy or one sided relationships. The well being, here is associated with self-esteem, life happiness, general life satisfaction, comfort and welfare. Committed relationships have a great potential to affect the mental, physical social and psychological health of individuals. For some individuals, there is a U turn: meaning they are a bit unhappy when the relationships start, are very happy at the time of marriage, and again becoming unhappy after some years of marriage.