Whom to Blame: Mothers or Sons?

On a fine evening of June, an uncle of mine called us a and said,

“Bhabhi, it’s a very good proposal. The guy is an officer in air force. His parents are very good and open minded. They have allowed him to marry wherever he wants.”

After some formal questions and answers, Sunday was confirmed as the meeting date. My parents ask uncle to bring the boy’s family too but he said that the boy told him that his family was quite open and he wanted to see the girl first. They came on Sunday, the tea and meeting went OK. The boy showed some kind of likeliness. My parents asked him to bring his parents next time. We were living at our F-6 house, which was officially given to us. Next Sunday, the family came and they were in a good mood. His father started asking questions like,

“How many houses do you have? How many acres of land do you have? Do you hold American nationality?”

 They initially thought that we were living in our own house in F-6. Upon knowing, that it was an official one, a shade came on their faces. They left without saying a word. Next day, when uncle called he said that the boy was like that his mother wasn’t willing, so it was a rejection from their side. Upon asking the boy, he said that he didn’t want to take the curse (bu-dua) of his mother. So it’s a ‘No’ from his side. Upon knowing our financial status, he simply put the blame on his parents. The same boy got married to an American Nationality holder girl after a year and his family didn’t say anything. Where was this curse when he first asked uncle to show him some girls from good families? I mean it is good to obey parents but where was this obedience when he was visiting ours and some other homes? Where did this obedience go when he chose a girl with American nationality? If he was that obedient, he should have left the matter to his parents.

Another reference sent a family to our place. The boy was abroad. So his family came to visit us. They came twice to our place. They thought that it was our own house that we lived in. Upon knowing that it was a rented one, they made a bad face and left. When the reference asked his mother, she replied,

 “Well, my son would come in December. He would decide what kind of girl he wants to marry.”

The reference got really annoyed and told her,

“If it is your son who has to decide then why are you asking me about different girls? I have sent you to four different houses and now you are putting it on your son. Let your son come and I can show him the girls. “

Another elder lady of family sent a lady to our house. Her son was also abroad. She came first with her younger son. Then she came with her younger son and her niece second time. I simply couldn’t understand what she was looking for. She went back after having a wonderful tea twice at our place. She called and told my mother,

“Well, my son is abroad. Let me ask him what kind of girl he likes. I can’t say anything.”

A renowned lady sent a family to our place in 2003. She first came with the lady who was boy’s bhabi’s mother. (See such a long reference). The next time she came with the boy’s parents, younger sister, his sister-in-law’s siblings, and some other people too. I remember there were eight people. In so many people, boy was missing. The boy’s father started asking about my American nationality. They didn’t say anything and left. Next day the reference called us and said,

“The boy’s mother is like that she would ask her son.”

The reference further told us that the boy got engaged to a beautiful doctor from Army medical college. She broke the engagement and left him. The boy doesn’t want to marry after that. If he doesn’t want to marry, why is the family wasting our time and looking for different girls?

Another lady came whose son was in Saudi Arabia. She came with three women and left saying,

“My son is very choosy, he would decide.”

 What I mean to say is that people make their own minds and then put the blame on others. If it is a boy who wants to back out, he simply puts the blame on his mother and use curse as a justification. Similarly, if parents want to reject, they put blame on their sons. If their sons hold such a valued weight age and they give some kind of value to them too, why don’t they bring them? Secondly if the sons have to decide, why are the families searching for different girls? It’s a lame excuse that people make, putting allegations the other party. This shows our ethical and moral standards that we follow. These are the people who say before a visit that their sons have left this matter to them and are happy with the parents’ choice.  After a visit, they say that let their sons decide about the girl and never respond back.  At least, if you have to find an excuse, find a logical and better one.

The Final Word

A Piece from Collection of Short Stories…………………………

By

Sadaf Fayyaz

Rehan was going on thirty this year. He never liked the long and useless calls of his mother’s friends. His graduate friends were married and living happily with their life partners. He took life and profession very seriously. He never thought much about his marital matters and relied too much on his family members. After his graduation, he got a good job at a bank. During his university days, he developed interest in a class fellow of him. He tried talking to his mother about her but she declined and said,

” You know, I am against such marriages. I would find a very beautiful, caring and rich girl for you.”

Rehan never argued with her after this session, thinking he didn’t like to be cursed by his mother. She would then start talking to some of her friends, would dress up nicely and left to visit someone. Rehan never interfered in all this, thinking she would try to get a good match for him.

Four years went on like this and Rehan had started thinking seriously about it now. While going on a long drive, he said to himself,

”My mother doesn’t even know what kind of a girl I want as a life partner. I don’t want a striking beauty, but a natural and caring girl who understands me and my problems. I would always respect her opinion but would have cherished if she ever asked me about my choice too. “

He kept thinking while driving.

“My mother goes out to visit someone and comes back with telling me anything about it. Safina was my class fellow and understood my nature very well. My mother wants a daughter in law for herself, but not a wife for her son.”

After he went home, he overheard his mother talking to someone over the phone.

“Shabana! Show me a beautiful girl with fair complexion, golden hair, blue eyes and rich background for my son. I want a BDS or a doctor with a very rich background. She should be earning a good amount of money and look after the home too. Last time where you sent me, the people were not very rich. There wasn’t any servant in the house and the people were serving me food themselves. After all, I am the boy’s mother; I should be given a lot of respect and importance. “

Rehan could not believe the words of his mother. He didn’t feel like overhearing the conversation any more. He went to his room and sat on his chair.

“I have never asked for a rich, BDS, and blue eyed girl. I give more weight age to an understanding and supportive life partner. What is my mother up to?”

He never expected such an unrealistic and fake standard from his mother.

“We are a poor and underfed nation. Most of the people have dark colored hair, dark –colored eyes and wheatish skin tones. The race is an ordinary looking one, except the dual-blooded people. How can my mother expect to find a “fairy” or “mermaid” for me in this race?”

Rehan felt very disheartened and remembered a phone call from a lady in his office.

“My name is Asma and I want to ask you what does your mother think finally? She came to see my daughter two weeks ago, said “yes” and invited our family for tea. She came with some relatives of hers and visited us twice. She said that she “liked” my daughter and will ask her son now. My husband and I are still waiting for her response. Do you have any idea about all this?”

Rehan felt a bit stressed, as his mother never shared anything like that with him and acted normal. “My mother never mentioned all this to me, I am sorry if you people are hurt over this .”

After this call, he felt a bit down and low. He could hear the tinge of wait and approval in the voice of that old lady. He made his mind and thought of talking to his mother straight now.

On the breakfast next day, he asked his mother, “Have you been able to find any girl for me, since you have visited so many homes?”

“I want a very beautiful……………..” started his mother,

Rehan interrupted,

“I know that you have been looking for a girl for the last four years. But now listen to me quietly. I have never interfered in all this and never even asked you where you have been going and whom you have been visiting. I obeyed you since I didn’t want to have your curse. But now I don’t have the courage to be cursed by someone else’s mother, since you make your own choice and use my name. I don’t want an animal for sacrifice, but a loving and supporting girl for myself. Everything that God has created in this world has flaws. Even the most beautiful people aren’t free of defects. We must learn to accept some of the defects of humans and accept them as humans. If you want a golden haired and light eyed girl, I can surely go for some foreigner one. “

“So you will bring disgrace to our family like this?” shouted his mother.

“I think you have been bringing more disgrace to our family by doing all this for the last four years. A time would come when people wouldn’t let you enter their house, since you make so many choices. And lastly, you have been visiting girls with your choice. Now you have to visit a girl’s family with my choice. I want you to visit Safina’s parents. She is the kind of girl who understands me and my problems. I am growing older and older and your unrealistic standards are hard to meet. “

His mother didn’t have words to say. Rehan felt very light after so many years as if some burden was removed from his shoulders. The burden of four years was shed in a ten minutes talk only. He wished that he had had this final word four years ago.