The Original Face

Rahail was a modern boy who came from a very traditonal family. His father, Peer Bakhsh sent him to a good city college. Rahail was born Ghulam Bakhsh. He used this name till his teen age but changed at the time of joining college. He wanted to get rid of this old name. Upon reaching university, he changed his looks completely with branded Jeans, colorful shirts and a French beard. He changed his name to Rahail Khan.

A war continued between Rahail and Ghulam Bakhsh. Rahail wanted to date with his class fellows and never took relationships seriously. Ghulam Bakhsh thought that every female was as respectable as his mother and sister and never liked selfish time pass relationships. Rahail always liked to smoke a cigarette in the smoking zone of the university while Ghulam Bakhsh could never forget the taste of “Huqqa”.

When the food selection time came, Rahail always ordered a Pizza and Ghulam Bakhsh wished if tasty Spinach saag and Lassi were there in his canteen. He had to pose before his friends that he held a great taste for fast food.  Rahail always liked girls with short and dyed hair; Ghulam Bakhsh always thought it was bad to cut hair.

As the time passed and years added more maturity to Rahail, Ghulam Bakhsh started fading away and Rahail started growing stronger. Rahail developed interest in a class fellow. She used to talk freely to everyone in the class. Rahail never objected on that, but Ghulam Bakhsh never liked her talking to other boys. It happened one day when the girl said “No” to his relationship. Rahail took that lightly and thought that it was a great fun of his life that he had. Ghulam Bakhsh was sad at heart and didn’t like this behavior. He had always seen his family women being patient and tolerant in their relationships. He was heavy at heart and felt a lot of burden. He started shouting and talking to himself,

“Ghulam Bakhsh! I would never be able to get rid of you. Whatever I do, wherever I go, you will keep following me.”…. and his voice vanished away.

Whom to Blame: Mothers or Sons?

On a fine evening of June, an uncle of mine called us a and said,

“Bhabhi, it’s a very good proposal. The guy is an officer in air force. His parents are very good and open minded. They have allowed him to marry wherever he wants.”

After some formal questions and answers, Sunday was confirmed as the meeting date. My parents ask uncle to bring the boy’s family too but he said that the boy told him that his family was quite open and he wanted to see the girl first. They came on Sunday, the tea and meeting went OK. The boy showed some kind of likeliness. My parents asked him to bring his parents next time. We were living at our F-6 house, which was officially given to us. Next Sunday, the family came and they were in a good mood. His father started asking questions like,

“How many houses do you have? How many acres of land do you have? Do you hold American nationality?”

 They initially thought that we were living in our own house in F-6. Upon knowing, that it was an official one, a shade came on their faces. They left without saying a word. Next day, when uncle called he said that the boy was like that his mother wasn’t willing, so it was a rejection from their side. Upon asking the boy, he said that he didn’t want to take the curse (bu-dua) of his mother. So it’s a ‘No’ from his side. Upon knowing our financial status, he simply put the blame on his parents. The same boy got married to an American Nationality holder girl after a year and his family didn’t say anything. Where was this curse when he first asked uncle to show him some girls from good families? I mean it is good to obey parents but where was this obedience when he was visiting ours and some other homes? Where did this obedience go when he chose a girl with American nationality? If he was that obedient, he should have left the matter to his parents.

Another reference sent a family to our place. The boy was abroad. So his family came to visit us. They came twice to our place. They thought that it was our own house that we lived in. Upon knowing that it was a rented one, they made a bad face and left. When the reference asked his mother, she replied,

 “Well, my son would come in December. He would decide what kind of girl he wants to marry.”

The reference got really annoyed and told her,

“If it is your son who has to decide then why are you asking me about different girls? I have sent you to four different houses and now you are putting it on your son. Let your son come and I can show him the girls. “

Another elder lady of family sent a lady to our house. Her son was also abroad. She came first with her younger son. Then she came with her younger son and her niece second time. I simply couldn’t understand what she was looking for. She went back after having a wonderful tea twice at our place. She called and told my mother,

“Well, my son is abroad. Let me ask him what kind of girl he likes. I can’t say anything.”

A renowned lady sent a family to our place in 2003. She first came with the lady who was boy’s bhabi’s mother. (See such a long reference). The next time she came with the boy’s parents, younger sister, his sister-in-law’s siblings, and some other people too. I remember there were eight people. In so many people, boy was missing. The boy’s father started asking about my American nationality. They didn’t say anything and left. Next day the reference called us and said,

“The boy’s mother is like that she would ask her son.”

The reference further told us that the boy got engaged to a beautiful doctor from Army medical college. She broke the engagement and left him. The boy doesn’t want to marry after that. If he doesn’t want to marry, why is the family wasting our time and looking for different girls?

Another lady came whose son was in Saudi Arabia. She came with three women and left saying,

“My son is very choosy, he would decide.”

 What I mean to say is that people make their own minds and then put the blame on others. If it is a boy who wants to back out, he simply puts the blame on his mother and use curse as a justification. Similarly, if parents want to reject, they put blame on their sons. If their sons hold such a valued weight age and they give some kind of value to them too, why don’t they bring them? Secondly if the sons have to decide, why are the families searching for different girls? It’s a lame excuse that people make, putting allegations the other party. This shows our ethical and moral standards that we follow. These are the people who say before a visit that their sons have left this matter to them and are happy with the parents’ choice.  After a visit, they say that let their sons decide about the girl and never respond back.  At least, if you have to find an excuse, find a logical and better one.

Nouns, Verbs or Adjectives

Sara loves Ahmer because he is courageous, rich and caring. She could have never loved him in the absence of these qualities. The noun is dependent on adjective for being loved. Tania loves Zahid because he speaks and writes well. The noun is dependent on verb for being loved. Shazia hates Raheel because he beats her and takes drugs. A noun is dependent on verb for being hated. Sana hates Raza because he is liar and cheat. A noun is dependent on adjective for being hated. I simply do not know what I love or hate. I don’t know whether it’s a noun, verb or adjective that I like. There are some nouns that I liked initially, but I hated the adjectives they had. There were some nouns that I liked and liked their verbs too. There were some adjectives that I liked, but hated the nouns having them. There were some verbs that I hated but loved the nouns doing them. There were some nouns that I hated but loved the verbs done by them. There were some verbs that I loved but hated the nouns doing them.

The Paradox of Relationships

By

Sadaf Fayyaz

Someone asked me if it was true that people in relationships are happier than those who are single or without relationships. The issue is quite of a debatable kind and can’t be answered truly. Over one week, I have been asking different people, belonging to different professions of life. I asked married, single, divorcees, engaged, and newly married people. The results came out to be mixed kind. I cannot state “that people in relationships are happier” or “People without relationships are happier” so easily. Some data analysis and understanding of facts comes first.

What I observed from my study, was that people with relationships, that gave them security and understanding, are happy ones. So it’s a question of a stable relationship now. People with immature relationships are happy in the beginning and extremely sad in the end. Most psychologists and physiologists agree that people in relationships are happier than those without them. People with bad or immature relationships are unhappy. I am simply omitting the “Platonic Relationships” here, since they are rare these days.

But the reason is why people in relationships are happier. Definitely they can share something, someone takes care of them, and someone supports them. Humans are social animals. I have asked and seen so many friends of mine, who were happy when the relationship started. Now, after some years of marriage, they are sick and unhappy. One girl was happily involved with her cousin. The families didn’t support her relationship and got her married to an outsider man. She was happy in the start but now is extremely unhappy. Another girl got happily engaged and married to a boy of her own choice, and with parents’ permission too. It is an example of love cum arranged marriage. She is childless now after six years of marriage and is very unhappy now. Doctors have told her that her husband has some problem. A boy aged 32 has started hating women now. His first engagement was broken by the girl’s family. Second time he got engaged, but the girl was interested in someone else. She broke her engagement with him. The boy now hates relationships and doesn’t want to talk about them now. It is natural.

Another girl got engaged to a boy of her choice, got married and now has a daughter. Her husband is unemployed and she earns for the whole family. She was happy when her relationship started but now a bit sad, since she wants her husband to earn now.

A girl got engaged to the boy of her choice, got married, went abroad and is happily married now. She is really very happy about her relationship. Another girl got engaged, got married and is now settled abroad. She is very happy as well. A friend of mine, who got engaged, got married happily and now living happily with her husband.

Another boy, who went into a relationship with a young girl, was very happy. In the end, the girl asked him not to contact him or talk to him. He is an extremely unhappy person now.

A woman washing dishes is unhappy with her drug addicted husband. He doesn’t bother to earn.

Another boy got married to a girl of his mother’s choice. He was interested in a class fellow. After some years of his marriage, his wife took her children and went away from him. He is now unhappy and quiet. He started taking drugs for solace and relaxation. He never got adjusted with his wife.

A girl shared that anyone who's ever been in one knows that it adds no value to life. She says that all the expectations & conditions are daunting. There's only one kind of love: that's UNCONDITIONAL. Relationships are just a bunch of rules that hold you down. They're hard work! She is against relationships.

People in relationships live longer. Marriage apparently adds around seven years to the life of a man and four to the life of a woman. Figures for those who live together are similar.

If we are secure and content in ourselves we can approach life much more confidently and happily. We can be happier and healthier.

People appear to feel better about themselves and their lives when they move into a more committed relationship. People in committed or stable relationships are happier, only if the relationships bring the results they were expecting from it. Interviewing some singles, they stated that they enjoyed their freedom and liberty more. Also relationships bring a lot of pain if they are broken, so they don’t want to go for them. A girl was a single independent teacher, told me that she believed in woman liberty and wanted to live an independent life. A married friend of mine at times tells me,

“How lucky single people are. They have no responsibility, no answering to anyone. They just enjoy their golden period of single life.”

Upon asking why she said this, she told me that she was sick of her mother in law. Her behavior was good till her marriage but now she is like a very bothersome lady for her. Her mother in law used to get her beaten by her husband.

One research scholar answers it that people even when controlling for relationship happiness, getting married is associated with higher self-esteem, greater life pleasure, more happiness and less distress, and less depression whereas people who are not in stable or into committed relationships tend to show lower self-esteem, less life satisfaction, less happiness, more distress and more depression.

Some lonely kind people are said to have been associated with drug intake and tranquilizers. When we see film world, relationships have a different meaning there. So many couples have been into relationships, broken and split. There are thousands of examples. Things and relationships change very quickly in this industry. There are some who say that marriage was the biggest mistake of their life. Some live happily with their families after marriage.

Upon asking a renowned TV model and anchor, she told me,

“It depends on everyone and varies from person to person. If one gets into a relationship, he or she must be fully committed and loyal with it. If a person is single, he or she is quite independent. But everyone needs a partner. And it’s all natural. But a good relationship is important to give you security and a sense of care.”

A psychologist shared her views, “

“Men need to be in a relationship more than a woman. And men like to have physical relations in form of marriage or elsewhere, woman percentage is very low in this aspect, but at certain age she wants to get settled. No matter how successful a woman might get in her life, the real sense of security is experienced by her after getting married to a man, who is physically as well as mentally strong. Women want to get married to feel secure with their husbands and it definitely doesn't exhibit their inferiority. So it is necessary both for man & woman to get into more honest love & trust relation, and be settled, as its psychological & physical need too. Physical need is very natural. If not fulfilled, creates psychological problems, like agitation, anger, aggression, depression. So being married or engaged is better than being single that have physical relation or living without relations.”

In the end, I can generalize that in a society like ours, it is very hard for single people to live and promote themselves specially women. Security and safety needs are also associated with committed and secure relationships in our society. However, the immature relationships (crushes) or even one sided relationship can prove destructive for a person. Also, relationships that don’t bring the desired outcomes don’t prove much beneficial. When relationships do not bring fruitful or desired results, individuals start becoming unhappy. People in secure and happy relationships show a much higher level of well being than those in unhappy or one sided relationships. The well being, here is associated with self-esteem, life happiness, general life satisfaction, comfort and welfare. Committed relationships have a great potential to affect the mental, physical social and psychological health of individuals. For some individuals, there is a U turn: meaning they are a bit unhappy when the relationships start, are very happy at the time of marriage, and again becoming unhappy after some years of marriage.

Punshment on Eloping

In a country like ours, where we come across so many cases of honor killing, I was compelled to write these stories.

Case 1: Bano earns her living from washing clothes and dishes at different people’s homes. Her husband is a cook at a hotel. The couple has four daughters and one son. One day, she came to my mother and said, “Baji, I have got my daughter engaged to a very rich boy.” My mother congratulated her. Though, the girl was hardly twelve years old while the boy was eighteen. Bano continued her routine work even after the engagement. She started inviting boy (her daughter’s fiancé) to her house and the couple stated having open meetings. Bano wanted them to develop a good mutual understanding, so she didn’t object on that. The boy started paying frequent visits to their house, while Bano and her husband were busy at work and out of house.

Bano was very happy and started collecting money and dowry for her daughter’s marriage. One day she came and told my mother. My mother gave her some money and granted her leave. The Nikah ceremony was performed nicely and Rukhsati was due only after two months. One day, Bano came and asked for a day leave since she was going to attend a family function. She didn’t come for four days. She came on the fifth day with lost looks and swollen eyes.

 “Baji, my daughter has run away from the house with her husband. Her Rukhsati was due in two months. Couldn’t she wait for two months? Now our neighbors are laughing at us. I have tried to call her from my old Baji’s landline number, but she is not responding. My old Baji gave me her old cell that our family uses. My daughter has taken away the cell and some jewelry too.”

Her husband came in the evening to us and was infuriated.

“I shall file a case against the boy’s family; he has provoked her to run away. I have other daughters too and this may have a bad impact on them.” 

My mother never wanted to interfere in their personal matters. First of all, she was against of their marriage at a young age. The girl was too young. Secondly, if they had allowed them to meet freely at home, they should have educated them on what their limits were. But as one states, the lower class has little time to teach and educate their kids. Thirdly, she was against filing of weak case since the daughter had “romantic” ideas and was inspired from films in which hero and heroine plan and run away from their homes. She ran intentionally, not forcibly.

Bano told us that she was able to talk with her daughter only once. She replied,

”Ammi, I am happy here and enjoying my time with the boy. Don’t bother me or call me again.”

Upon asking her younger siblings, they replied,

“Baji talked to Raza Bhai and asked him to take her.”

The siblings were even too young to know what “running from house” meant. This boy was a milkman’s son. She did not contact her parents for three months and had a wonderful time at Murree. They were really in deep torture and agony. After three months of enjoyment, the girl finally came back to her parents stating,

 “I enjoyed there for three months, had fun, watched movies and had wonderful time. One day, Raza asked me to milk his cows. This is what I could not do and didn’t feel like doing”.

The girl was two months pregnant. The issue had become more complex. She didn’t want to go back to her husband. In her views, marriage was all about having fun, watching movies and having a nice relationship. She didn’t want to take any matrimonial responsibility. She even didn’t want to have that kid. She even forced her parents to have her abortion. Whatever she saw in the films and dramas, she tried to follow that. (Bano used to take her kids to cinema once a week).  What else one could expect from a totally illiterate and a twelve-year girl, who knew nothing about responsibilities and reputation? The only thing which surprised me was that people from this class kill their daughters over performing such acts. But her parents supported. She is happily divorced now and living with her parents. Her Rukhsati was awaited. She could have left the home decently and nicely too, instead of becoming a “runaway”.

Case 2: Another case is of an educated lady doing her bachelors and belonging to a rich family. The only issue with her is being ordinary looking and not attracting people who came to her house to see her. She was rejected many times. One day, a family (mother and son) came to see her through a reference person. They didn’t tell the reference that they were Hindus. They liked the girl. Upon knowing their religion, the girls’ refused to give them his daughter. The girl wrote a letter to the boy and planned to elope with him. The letter was caught by a family relative. Upon knowing her intentions, parents asked boy to change his religion and got both of them married. The boy changed his religion to Islam. They are married now with four children.

Case 3: Another lady, who was doing her bachelors and belonged to very rich family, did the same. She eloped and got married to a sales boy in her father’s shop. She was very ordinary looking and no one ever asked for her proposal. Her family is still in deep shock. She came back to her parents, gave birth to a daughter. Later got divorced from the boy, married another boy and now lives abroad. The second husband doesn’t want to keep her daughter, so her daughter lives with her grandparents now. The girl is having a great time. Her younger sisters didn’t get any proposals, after this eloping case. People never asked for them after knowing this.

Case 4: This one is of a lower middle class family, where a thirteen year old daughter was given a lot of independence. She would go out to her friends’ homes and come late. One day, she didn’t return. Upon asking a friend of hers, she told that she had started liking a boy in her Mohallah and eloped with him. She got married at a friend’s home too. This she all shared after coming back after marriage with some month pregnancy.

There is another woman who has never married and given birth to two children. She is even living freely. She works at a parlor.

Now in a country like Pakistan, where we hear so much about “honor killing”, these are some cases where parents didn’t perform any. All these four women are alive now. It was very hard for me to point out the exact reason for eloping. First of all, it’s the inability to control emotions. Mostly girls elope where they are sick of arranged marriages, or not marrying the men of their choice. Fear of getting rejected again and again by people and when someone makes a “yes” to them, they elope. It happens due to lack of proper ethical training from parents, especially from mothers. They must keep a check on their children. With the current technology of mobile phones and television available, planning for eloping is easier than ever, and that is why there usage should be watched out by the parents and guardians, especially mothers. Thanks to films, that project “eloping” as a very romantic and recreational thing, and easily attack young minds. All these four cases are different from each other: Two ladies are from rich and educated families, two are lower class girls. No one can suggest an “honor killing” for these women, but one little punishment for such women. The girls in case 1 and 4 pressurized parents to have their abortions. Killing a life!! The punishment should be in the form of no support from parents on their coming back home and asking for abortions. If they eloped, enjoyed and had fun, why coming back to parents after some months then? There isn’t any case of honor killing reported, but something must be done in order to educate young minds. The act of “eloping” serves as a social taboo. It doesn’t only leave a deep negative impact on the girl and her family, but to other siblings too. Firstly, the younger siblings may think that it is something good to perform. Our elder sister did this, so can we? Secondly, people point out other girls of the same family as eloper’s sisters and may find a good justification to reject them.

A Currency Friend

Rimsha was slightly upset today. She looked outside the window of her room. It was getting dark and about to rain heavily. The wild and dusty wind had started hitting the glass of windows. “Rimsha, it’s too dusty, please close the window,” her mom called.

She was upset but didn’t let it come on her face. Her mother was an excellent face reader. She had received a call from a very close and good college friend of hers that afternoon. She called Rimsha somewhere around afternoon.

“Hey listen, can you come to a room where there is no one else? I want to have a very confidential and important conversation with you. “

Rimsha went to the fax room to take your call.

She said,

“I have a very good proposal for you but don’t discuss it with your mother now. We have studied together for three years but never asked you these things. We are looking for a girl for our brother. Tell me how much money; have your parents decided to give you at the time of marriage? What is your caste? Do you have a separate bank account or all joint with your parents? Would your parents give you a car and house in dowry too?”

Rimsha could not believe her words. She stayed quiet for some time and replied bitterly,

“Go ahead with the other questions too.” Her friend could not judge the anguish and satire in her voice and kept asking,

“Are you doing some job these days, if yes how much is your salary, the boy wants a highly paid girl for himself. Tell me what do your relatives do? What are their ranks? Do you live in a rented house or have purchased it?”

Rimsha found the last questions a bit reasonable.

Her friend continued,

“First the boy’s parents would come to meet your family. “ Rimsha and her parents had always hated greedy and materialistic people. Her family was more of an intellectual kind.

She decided at once,”I am sorry. I don’t think that my parents would cherish to entertain such people. They get annoyed over all thus. I know them very well. Kindly don’t send any one to my place.”

After finishing her telephonic talk, she came to her room. She at once decided:

“I would never tell my mom about it. This face-off of a friend is damn scary. This is how people change at the time of marriage. I shall be glad if they get the boy married to a 5000 Rs. Note”.

She wasn’t irritated over the stupid kind of demands but disliked the traditional kind “dowry “thing. She was progressive and her family too.

She had come across so many categories of friends like “promoting friends”, “close friends”, “supporting friends”, “best friends”, cooperative friends”, “affectionate friends”, “caring friends” and “loving friends”. She discovered a new category as “currency friends” that day. “There is is no need to have enemies if one has such friends. “She concluded.

Gloomy Silhouettes

By

Sadaf Fayyaz

I am shadow of an ordinary looking girl. I am happy as far as she works hard, studies well and prays to God. I often see her doing things forcibly, that she doesn’t want to do. I get hurt over it. Her mother is worried about her marriage. Every time, whenever someone comes to meet her, she decks her in expensive jewelry and bright clothes. She presents her before people that she has never seen in her life. I wish I was never a part of her. I want her to be independent to make her own decisions. She eats what she like, she wears the dress of her choice, but is forced to come before people like this in order to get approved. This has happened so many times, that people come to her place, eat, drink and leave. When everyone leaves, she comes to her room and sits quietly for hours on her chair. I can’t even say a soothing word to her. But being a meager shadow, I can’t help her.

I am shadow of an old lady. She is nice, cultured and good. She has to young sons and is trying to find girls for them. As far as her choice is concerned, she almost rejects every girl. She has rejected so many girls; some on the basis of faces and some on the basis of wealth. I can’t stop her from doing all this. I hate her at times and wish that I weren’t a part of her.

I am shadow of a doctor. His job is to treat his patients well, make the correct diagnosis, and take good care of his patients. At times, he is so careless about his profession that he gives wrong ample to his patients. Patients suffer because of his careless attitude. He is only interested in treating wealthy patients and charging good money from them. I see some caring and kind-hearted practitioners and pray if I were a shadow of them. This doctor is just a butcher. I can’t stop him from showing careless attitude. He has no fear of God.

You may like to write my story. I am shadow of head of an educational institution. I am happy to see students studying hard and taking care of their scores and conduct. I feel hurt when I come across some cases of harassment, nepotism and discrimination among students. The Head at times acts like a puppet: he is compelled to assign good grades to influential students. He even has to give admissions to some students from influential backgrounds, on just receiving a telephone call from some influential figure. He hates it and is only a puppet. I can’t stop him from doing the wrong.

I am shadow of a suicide bomber. I hate him that he doesn’t hold any regard for his fellow being and takes their lives. He doesn’t love his brethren. I wish that he had attended some school and had a regard for humanity and life. I can’t stop him from creating so much bloodshed and destruction. I wish I were never a part of him.

I am shadow of a prostitute. I hate her for that she does. I wish she could have adopted a nice and decent living style. I hate her for doing all this and wish I was never her shadow.

I am shadow of a teacher. I feel unhappy when she assigns grades to her students and favors some of them. She is not fair. I know being the closest to her, which student deserved which grade. She assigns A to a student who deserved B, on the basis of partiality. I wish I were shadow of an honest and just teacher.

I am shadow of an HR person. He holds a lot of responsibility. He designs wrong kind of ads, and rejects people on the basis of caste, race and religion. He has terminated so many people by creating false reports against them. I can’t stop him from doing wrong and cheating people.

I am shadow of a marriage bureau consultant. The lady only makes money and runs her home like this. I know that she is a big fraud and a big liar, but can’t do anything about it. Shadows don’t speak, they can only see. She takes a good amount of money from both the families and never contacts them back. She always tells people, ‘well, I tried a lot to find a suitable match for your kid,’ Folks, she is a cheat. I know that she has never contacted any one. Who else can be closer than a shadow? I wish I weren’t with her. I have to obey her and do whatever she does. I can’t contradict nor stop her.

Hi, I am shadow of a laborer,,,,,, Hi, I am shadow of a film star,,,, Hi, I am shadow of CEO of a multinational……Hi, I m shadow of an artist………Hey, would you record my story,,, I am shadow of a singer…… So many shadows and so many stories to record: My pen doesn’t have that much ink…..So many shadows…………..So many stories……………